You Are Good Enough / A Battle With Self-Rejection

It’s about to get transparent up in here.

Rejection steals the best of who I am by reinforcing the worst of what’s been said to me.

I don’t even know where this whole self-rejection thing began. 5th grade? Probably so. Imagine this: It’s 5th grade. The year prior, you started taking Adderall for ADHD and that changed who you were as a student, and a person. The Adderall causes you to become a person that was negative and boring when that’s not the person you are. But you know you need it, because your grades need it. Anyway, you’re in fifth grade and you are placed in a class with all the smart people. You are not a smart person. They leave during certain parts of each day for their advanced placement work, and then it’s just you and the teacher. Yup. You’re the only one in the entire class. Talk about awkward and embarrassing and poor planning on behalf of school administration. None of your peers question why you stay behind (vocally, at least). But you question it. You make assumptions of why you aren’t good enough or brainstorm ways you could improve. Nothing changed. Well, I was that person and it was awful. I guess we could consider that the point where I started having self-rejection. I felt inferior to my peers; like I didn’t belong; like I wasn’t good enough. But what was I supposed to do?

Maybe 5th grade kicked it off, but middle school just escalated the problem. I don’t know what you were like in middle school, but if there were class superlatives I would have been nominated, “The Most Awkward”. And I am not referring to a “cute” awkward like Zooey Deschanel. I am talking like an outcast awkward. I towered over everyone, I hadn’t grown into my nose (or discovered contouring, I am not really sure), and I struggled with social interaction. Not to mention, middle school is just weird (for a lack of better words). Either way, I was constantly in a battle with self-rejection because I was trying to figure out where I fit in and what I liked and who I was (LOL, because you really figure out who you are in middle school...SIKE). I was struggling. I felt like it was never going to end.

I made it to high school. Things were looking up, I found a group of friends and hobbies I enjoyed and extracurriculars I was decent at. However, I relied on other’s opinions about me to base my own outlook on myself. Am I pretty? I don’t know, how many Instagram comments did i get on my most recent selfie? That’s how I viewed myself, through Instagram comments. But then I started getting boyfriends. Oh no. Have you ever experienced a feeling where you just can’t stop thinking that you aren’t good enough? Yup. That was relationships for me. That’s all I thought about. I was creating a divide in relationships because I was distancing myself from trust (and what’s a relationship without trust). Relationship sabotage - when someone loves you more than you love yourself. It literally prevents growth in a relationship. It causes you to twist words, question motives, and doubt someone else’s feelings.

Self-rejection paves the landing strip for the rejection of others to arrive and pull up to the gates of our hearts.

Ultimately, I wasn’t ready for a relationship in high school, and this is why. I already struggled with loving myself, so how was I supposed to rely on someone else to show me that feeling? It doesn’t make sense. Do you recall how we, as Godly people, are supposed to love our neighbors as ourselves? How do you love your neighbor when you can’t even seem to love yourself? I bring that up because I ended loving my neighbors as myself, and that spiraled out of control because I was so negative towards myself, and therefore negative towards others.

At my halfway point in college, I decided it was time to get out this rut I was bathing myself in. I decided it was time to have a more positive outlook on life, and in order to do that, I needed to start with myself - I needed to learn how to love myself. I finally realized that I was dependent on other’s love for me and it was time I switch things up. I am not saying that this little revelation happened in a day, a week, or a month. I still battle with wondering if I am good enough to be a teacher. I oftentimes let my grades define me (and they don’t). It’s safe to say that I am a liiiiittle too hard on myself. I still catch myself preventing dreams from becoming a reality because of the fear of not being good enough. I have the occasional emotional breakdown where I feel like I am drowning in stuff (last night).

But this is what it comes down to: I understand (and believe) that God made me in His image. He didn’t just photocopy me, He took the time to put me together piece by piece. Who am I to bash His creation? When I finally came to that realization, I decided it was time I SPRINT away from self-rejection and focus on self-love and self-acceptance. In a life full of self-rejection, relationships feel unsafe, opportunities feel even more risky, and life seems uncooperative. This rejection stole the best of who I was and reinforced the worst that came my way. I don’t consider rejection to be a simple emotion we feel. It’s something that is a punch to our core causing us to believe lies about ourselves and others.